Nighttime Comics Lampoon Trump's Controversial 'Gold Card' Immigration Plan
Television's prominent hosts devoted their evening ridiculing former President Donald Trump's recently unveiled visa initiative, dubbed the "Trump card," characterizing it as a obvious pay-for-access arrangement for the wealthy.
Colbert's Sarcastic Analysis
Kicking off his broadcast, Stephen Colbert offered a satirical holiday song directed at the commander-in-chief. "He's making a list, checking it twice, and then handing that list to the agents at ICE," he intoned. "The President ... ruins each thing he touches."
Colbert's target was the controversial plan that allows foreign individuals to purchase U.S. legal status for the price of one million dollars, with a "premium" tier for $5 million. An official portal promises processing "faster than ever."
"One note for you to affluent applicants: prior to you fork over the cash, have you considered Canada?" Colbert joked.
He noted that the card is also intended to "get cash" from firms wishing to hire skilled workers, with significant payments. "That's a lot of fees, but if you enroll, you additionally get free accommodation at a hotel of your selection – as long as it's the that one hotel," he said.
"The best background check the U.S. government has before done," said Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "a $15,000 vetting to make sure these applicants truly qualify to be in America."
"That's important, you gotta prove you're qualified to be an American," Colbert said dryly. "The initial query: how many burgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"
Jimmy Kimmel's Humorous Commentary
On his late-night show, Jimmy Kimmel dubbed the initiative the "American Dream Express Card."
"This is a card that will permit rich overseas citizens to live here," he stated. "For a million bucks, you get official resident status, you get a pathway to citizenship, and a presidential pardon for one major crime of your choosing."
"Perhaps it's time to change that poem on the Statue of Liberty – never mind your poor masses. Pay a million bucks, you're in!" he added.
Kimmel teased the brevity of the application, saying it is "tougher to start a Wordle account." He said that Trump "believes citizenship is something you can sell, like a timeshare."
"Exactly, the best people are the rich people," Kimmel quipped. "That's what Jesus always said! Read it in the Bible. He says it's simpler for a camel to go through the eye of a needle if you offer the needle a million dollars."
Seth Meyers on Economic Concerns
Meanwhile, Seth Meyers addressed Trump's slipping poll numbers during economic concerns. "People gave Donald Trump a second term since they were mad about the economy," he said.
Recently, in a bid to discuss prices, Trump held a briefing in front of a selection of food items, and behaved peculiarly to boxes of cereal.
"These look great, I think I'm going to take some of them back to my home and have a lot of fun," Trump stated. "Like the Cheerios, I haven't had Cheerios in a while."
"He's so fucking weird," Meyers reacted. "Like, you're going to take them home to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What are you gonna do with those Cheerios?"
Meyers concluded by targeting right-leaning news defenses of Trump's financial performance. "Perhaps instead of voicing concerns, you should give him a shiny trophy similar to the one FIFA did," he remarked.