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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It irritates my loved ones and workmates, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that counseling might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and worry.

Even processing later can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This process will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.